Coming Into Your Own

This passed year has been a wild wide...racially. Going natural  really helped reconcile some of those "self-hatred" feelings some mixed people feel when society puts that pressure on you to choose one race over the other. 

naturalhairmovement.com

And joining Tumblr again really helped me see that there was a sub-group of people who dedicate the majority of their time to helping other people "go natural," posting products that work on their hair, various protective styles, and a TON of tips on subjects from how to handle hair growth to what non-sulfate shampoos would work best on 3b hair, etc. 


But as a surfed the web, I noticed that I became envious of those girls I dubbed the "Howard Girls." By this, I meant the Howard University Girl, the perfect African-American woman: intelligent, sexy, curvy in all the right places, going to be a lawyer but still worships Trey Songz, and long, gorgeous hair, whether it was curly or straight. I felt that if I wanted to be accepted by the African-American community, which was something I had decided I wanted, then I would have embody the "Howard Girl" here, in Seattle, on a limited budget.

Needless to say, that didn't last long because one night I awoke and something or someone whispered this in my ear,

"Have you ever needed everyone to love you? You have a small group of close friends. You have a small, happy and supportive family. You HAVE a community, one that is not defined by the color, race, or ethnicity line. Thrive in them. Laugh with them. Love with them. Let them pour their love on you. Don’t worry about fitting in with the “black community” or the “german community.” Live and Laugh and Love in the eclectic, colorful, and unique myriad of friends and family you have chosen for yourself. You’ve chosen well. "

After that, it was like a weight had been lifted. I had finally realized that I didn't have to have special permission from either group to be accepted into these super exclusive culture-based clubs that only through birth you are able to join. I didn't have to have my set of german friends or my set of black friends. I can just have friends. Friends from all different races, and we could all accept each other.

This enlightenment lead me to do the thing I love to do most: write. So for my university's Artistic Justice Showcase, I wrote my first spoken word piece on this very topic (I initially wanted to write about my natural hair, but I felt that my journey with this was not yet over, so I couldn't fully tell the story at this point in time.)

So here is my AJS spoken word piece titled "A Letter to Black America:"

To Whom It May Concern

Hello. I know this might seem out of place but I can only pray it's not too late. And I realize there's a fee that must be paid, but I apologize. I got it waived. 

I'm sending in my application for attendance, and, cross my fingers, in the near future acceptance with the repentance of a sinner and heart bigger than the hatred I harbored in my heart, hardening it towards all of you. 

You see..

The misconception of a seemingly accurate perception of the issue in question imposed upon me by the swift deception of the message through the channels of influence I channelled into my subconscious lead me down a path of ignorant self-righteousness, which, I now understand was neither right nor just but unfortunately pinned us against each other, which was so wrong but served as justification for why my motivation to send in this application was prolonged for so long.

 But let me break this down...

They say never to regret the past or better yet always forgive and forget or else that intense anger shall never pass. But even though that bitterness and disgust of my caramel mocha skin, my frivolous, untamable curls, and thick coke-bottle curves was once discussed, the supposed "release" did not cease the reasoning I used to hate and separate myself--propelling me to re-evaluate the original source of hate I saw outside myself, which lead me here, to your admissions office, openly admitting that the problem really resided inside of me--and only me--and with this revelation came about a sense of peace.

I know you sift through a sea of papers on the daily, and your main concern is plainly this: why choose me? What sets me apart? The obvious response is " 'cause I've got the heart," but I'll dissect this further...

My perception is just one hue adding to the colorful myriad of views that collectively comprise our culture's eyes helping to see the truth.

With 20/20 vision we can connect all sides of the schism that broke us up with bi-focals that focused solely on the differences between bi-racials and pure black folks, completely leaving out those beautiful mixtures of quarter black, one drops, and mulattos.

So by accepting me hopefully I'll help you see though my eyes that this world was not meant to be colorblind but rather seen with that spectacular HD quality our technicolor culture has yet to be seen represented by movies, the media, and t.v.

I know my undergraduate scholar's ship has sailed, and I'll soon be following my heart, that 808 that never stops laying down the beat upon which I will record my entire life's mixtape of innovation and inspiration, but I pray you realize I'm not just another appliCAN'T but rather part AfriCAN-AmeriCAN finally proud of who I am.

I look forward to hearing from your admissions office soon.

In Love,

Michelle Conerly  

Don't let others define who you are

By now, everyone has seen the UCLA girl rant about how Asians are taking over the library. When I saw that video, I honestly did not know that people that ignorant still existed. The things she said were so hurtful and misinformed, and her sheer disregard for the victims of the tsunami and various Asian cultures was astonishing.

I then began to think about all the times I remember someone saying something hurtful, in that same context, to me just because I'm mixed--oh the stories I could tell.

I know I’m pretty young, and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but I never thought that I would encounter some of the sheer inconsideration that I have experienced so far in life.

WHITE GIRL: I have a few friends that like to call me white girl occasionally—one in particular that disregards my African-American heritage altogether but all in good fun…right?

WRONG

To say that I am “white washed” or that I am not black enough is not up for you to decide. My culture and ethnicity are up to me to define. And when I get a solid definition, I’ll let you know so that you can describe me correctly.

NAZI/NIGGER: The double “N” words. Yes, I’ve been called both—sometimes by people I did not know very well and sometimes by people closer to me. I just don’t understand how some people come to the conclusion that they are entitled to say these kinds of words to anyone.

What blows my mind, though, is the fact that I receive this kind of teasing from all different people: young, old, Caucasian, African American, Asian, Hispanic, male, female. No one is excluded.

And like Murs raps (see audio clip below: Dark Skinned White Girl), people like me are at times “rejected by the black and not accepted by the white world,” depending on their situation.

So obviously, after thinking about this for a while, I went immediately to Youtube.com. I found this channel that has to do with race by JAYLOVE 47. I honestly could not finish some of the videos because they were so hurtful.

Saying that biracials are hated or all have a superiority complex or explaining why black people hate biracials are not the type of discussions we, as human beings, should be having. We should be having informed discussions on race and acceptance that propel society into a movement to stop internalized and institutionalized racism and discrimination so that “one day…[our children] will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”




JAYLOVE 47

"Easier"

Found this on Post Secret. Just goes to show you that this topic crosses the mind of people from every color

Interracial Friendships: how can I fit in with other races?

When you look at the picture of me and my closest college friends, one thing really stands out about us: we’re diverse. We’ve almost covered all of the overarching ethnic groups including African American, Latino, Caucasian, and Asian.

My whole life, my friendships have been that way, and I’m lucky to say that I have friends from all sorts of ethnicities, mixes, and countries from around the world.

(Here comes the big but)…BUT, what’s interesting is that in friendships, kind of like romantic relationships, people tend to gravitate towards the familiar, and in many cases, race is the familiarity.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, many multiracial children, “may develop a public identity with the "minority" race, while maintaining a private interracial identity with family and friends.” Now I can’t attest to that specific example, but I also cannot tell a lie: I act differently depending on what race I am hanging out with.

In front of my white friends, I don’t use as much slang, I don’t talk about the latest rap album to have dropped last week, and I freely discuss books and politics. On the flip side, when I hang out with black people, I spit the urban dictionary like I’ve memorized it, hair is always a hot topic to discuss, and we always end up cracking up about crazy family reunion stories.

But in both cases, I am not myself. I cannot be myself, or at least I don’t feel comfortable being myself. It almost feels as if I live two distinct lives that can never cross paths or else either side will know I’ve been partly faking it all my life.

Spanish and mixed: best friends

Since I am mixed, I can relate with both sides I am mixed with. I was raised by a black man and a white European mother so to interact with both of those groups of people is pretty easy for me now. But it feels as if those relationships can only go so far because there’s a level of understanding that is not met on either side.

For this I have no solution. I’m still figuring this one out. But I’ve realized that I am most happy when I am completely myself despite what race I surround myself with. That’s why I feel so comfortable around my closest friends. Race doesn’t get in the way of us having a close friendship.

And like Katt Williams says, you need your white friends, you need your black friends, and you need your Spanish friends. Even though he’s just joking around, he makes a great point: we need friendship with people outside of our own race because that friendship enriches our lives and teaches us so much more than what we can learn just by judging other races ourselves.

To see an example of a “lack of understanding” between two races, check out Dave Chappelle’s schpeal here (forward to 3:15) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2GqRTgi5WI

What Are You?

Do you remember the day you realized you were mixed? Not white but not completely black either? Maybe someone pointed out that you weren’t Asian enough or made fun of you for not liking tacos since you were only half Mexican?

Mixed people all over the world have to face the category issue at some point in their lives—an issue many others who identify as a single race do not have to address at all. All of us have our own identity stories and remember the moment when we had to face the fact: I am mixed.

I sat down on the couch with my mother, and before I knew it, through my tears and sobs, I told my mom that I hated myself. I had finally expressed, out loud, the tormenting feelings I had harbored inside for the past two years. Not knowing what to say, she let me cry it out, but from that day on, I began my life-long identity journey to answer the simple question I get asked on a weekly basis: what are you?

And I thought the most compelling three words in the English language were “I love you.”

Many children, like myself, grow up aware that they are not of a single race. Knowing that I was not one or the other but rather one and the other, I went back and forth between my two identities, trying each on with different people, seeing which persona fit best, like a coat or a pair of shoes.

Since that didn’t work out too well, it came to a point where I felt like I had to choose white or black, and essentially, mom or dad. That is a choice no child can make or should have to make just because society has a categorization issue—a society that likes to peg, ostracize, segregate, and separate people based on race and ethnicity.

A lot of mixed people end up choosing one side or the other. That’s fairly common especially if your physical features favor one ethnicity over the other. Others altogether reject society’s categories since it has never provided the right ones for them. Only since 2000 could people mark more than one box on the national census, and because of that shift, 7.3 million people identified as more than one race. Also, 41 percent of those people who identified as more than one race were under the age 18.

There are so many issues when it comes to identification, and some people—ignorant people—make others choose between their races for whatever reason. But despite all odds, choosing for yourself, loving yourself, and feeling comfortable being you in your own skin are the only things that matter.

No matter what race you identify as, check out this song by Murs and the 9th Wonder titled "Dark Skinned White Girl" (my favorite verse is the last one)


Murs-Dark Skinned White Girl by shellyp32

Dating

Let’s talk about something everyone thinks about: dating.

Ah yes, dating! When will it happen? Who will it be? Is he or she the right “one”? Everyone who isn’t in a relationship thinks about dating often, especially when they see that their friends have boyfriends or girlfriends.

Ingrid and Albert
photo courtesy of Ingrid Conerly

But here’s something I bet you would have never really thought about. People tend to date within their own race.

Now me, I’m a walking contradiction of that. But, generally, people do not venture into other races. Why is that? Why do we not date the Asian guy or the Latina girl? Is it because I’m Black or because I’m Native American?

I went to a group meeting at last year’s Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival. The theme last year focused on being hapa (hapa originally meant a person mixed with Hawaiian, Asian, or pacific islander ethnicities and was used in a derogatory sense.) The people running the event focused on mixed races, not just people mixed with Asian or Pacific Islander blood. And there was a panel discussion that focused on being half one race and half another.

During the meeting, a brave girl stood up to the microphone and said that she had dated white guys, she had dated Asian guys, but neither had seemed to fit. She asked the panel of young adults on stage who should she be dating.

Who do you think she should be dating? Should she pursue one type of guy? Should she pursue a mixed guy like her? Should she just sit and wait to be pursued by any type of guy?

My best friend and I had this talk a long time ago. She told me the chances of me dating within my own race were pretty slim, and I agreed. Where was the pool of half black half German guys I could choose from? And from that miniscule group, how many would gel with me?

Here’s something else to ponder: Isn’t it strange that we look but don’t touch? I know girls who will say that a certain guy is cute, but could not see themselves marrying him based on race. So despite the fact that he’s attractive, smart, stylish, funny, and has a good personality, some people still let race get in the way?

James and Catherine
photo courtesy of James White

I’m gonna throw something out there and you tell me what you think: maybe the reason why people don’t date outside of their race is because they are intimidated by culture. Hear me out. If someone you are dating has a strong sense of culture in terms of food, music, family life, etc. wouldn’t you be a little scared? Or at least a bit overwhelmed at first? Isn’t it just more convenient and easier to date someone you don’t have to explain your entire way of life to because, hello! They live it too. I’ve definitely thought about that. If I were to date a black guy, I wouldn’t have to explain my food, music, dad’s side of the family, etc. to him. And he wouldn’t have to explain anything to me either because I would understand the dynamics of a black family household.

How wonderfully boring would that be.

But there are severe downfalls to dating outside of your race as well. WARNING! Please do not read any further unless you truly see yourself dating outside of your own race. Reality can be hurtful. Believe me.

What if she’s not dating me because I’m not culturally strong on either end?

Story time: a girl I knew once told me about another girl she was dating. The girl she was dating was half black and half white. They didn’t stay together, and while this girl was telling me the story she said: she wasn’t even that great in bed. Probably because she wasn’t really black.

PAUSE

*Did she just say that in front of me? Does she remember who she is talking to? So just because I’m only half black that means I’m not really black at all?*

Like I said…reality hurts.

Want another one?

He can’t just be dating her because she’s a cool person. He’s got to have some sort of fetish.

Story time:

I was kinda dating this half Filipino, half white guy a year ago, and when we were hanging out once, he told me that his friends were laughing and joking with him. They said that he had JUNGLE FEVER because he was interested in me.

PAUSE

*Jungle fever? Yea, because I come from the jungle? The jungles of Seattle, maybe, but seriously? Why is it that you have to have jungle fever or yellow fever or Spanish fever or whatever if you do want to date someone outside of your race?*

This stuff can get really deep and really hurtful. It can challenge and even shake the most confident person.

So I want to know what you guys think about interracial dating. Not marriage…that’s a whole OTHER discussion. Just dating. Are there questions you wanted to ask but never thought you could? Have you dated outside of your race? Was it successful? Did the clash of races get in the way? Do you think I’m just buggin’ out and shouldn’t even worry about this? Let me know what you think.

This is a movie trailer to one of my favorite movies on this topic: "Something New"

To see how some real-life people still feel about interracial dating, check this out: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBkzaMOz87E