Interracial Friendships: how can I fit in with other races?

When you look at the picture of me and my closest college friends, one thing really stands out about us: we’re diverse. We’ve almost covered all of the overarching ethnic groups including African American, Latino, Caucasian, and Asian.

My whole life, my friendships have been that way, and I’m lucky to say that I have friends from all sorts of ethnicities, mixes, and countries from around the world.

(Here comes the big but)…BUT, what’s interesting is that in friendships, kind of like romantic relationships, people tend to gravitate towards the familiar, and in many cases, race is the familiarity.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, many multiracial children, “may develop a public identity with the "minority" race, while maintaining a private interracial identity with family and friends.” Now I can’t attest to that specific example, but I also cannot tell a lie: I act differently depending on what race I am hanging out with.

In front of my white friends, I don’t use as much slang, I don’t talk about the latest rap album to have dropped last week, and I freely discuss books and politics. On the flip side, when I hang out with black people, I spit the urban dictionary like I’ve memorized it, hair is always a hot topic to discuss, and we always end up cracking up about crazy family reunion stories.

But in both cases, I am not myself. I cannot be myself, or at least I don’t feel comfortable being myself. It almost feels as if I live two distinct lives that can never cross paths or else either side will know I’ve been partly faking it all my life.

Spanish and mixed: best friends

Since I am mixed, I can relate with both sides I am mixed with. I was raised by a black man and a white European mother so to interact with both of those groups of people is pretty easy for me now. But it feels as if those relationships can only go so far because there’s a level of understanding that is not met on either side.

For this I have no solution. I’m still figuring this one out. But I’ve realized that I am most happy when I am completely myself despite what race I surround myself with. That’s why I feel so comfortable around my closest friends. Race doesn’t get in the way of us having a close friendship.

And like Katt Williams says, you need your white friends, you need your black friends, and you need your Spanish friends. Even though he’s just joking around, he makes a great point: we need friendship with people outside of our own race because that friendship enriches our lives and teaches us so much more than what we can learn just by judging other races ourselves.

To see an example of a “lack of understanding” between two races, check out Dave Chappelle’s schpeal here (forward to 3:15) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2GqRTgi5WI

Dating

Let’s talk about something everyone thinks about: dating.

Ah yes, dating! When will it happen? Who will it be? Is he or she the right “one”? Everyone who isn’t in a relationship thinks about dating often, especially when they see that their friends have boyfriends or girlfriends.

Ingrid and Albert
photo courtesy of Ingrid Conerly

But here’s something I bet you would have never really thought about. People tend to date within their own race.

Now me, I’m a walking contradiction of that. But, generally, people do not venture into other races. Why is that? Why do we not date the Asian guy or the Latina girl? Is it because I’m Black or because I’m Native American?

I went to a group meeting at last year’s Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival. The theme last year focused on being hapa (hapa originally meant a person mixed with Hawaiian, Asian, or pacific islander ethnicities and was used in a derogatory sense.) The people running the event focused on mixed races, not just people mixed with Asian or Pacific Islander blood. And there was a panel discussion that focused on being half one race and half another.

During the meeting, a brave girl stood up to the microphone and said that she had dated white guys, she had dated Asian guys, but neither had seemed to fit. She asked the panel of young adults on stage who should she be dating.

Who do you think she should be dating? Should she pursue one type of guy? Should she pursue a mixed guy like her? Should she just sit and wait to be pursued by any type of guy?

My best friend and I had this talk a long time ago. She told me the chances of me dating within my own race were pretty slim, and I agreed. Where was the pool of half black half German guys I could choose from? And from that miniscule group, how many would gel with me?

Here’s something else to ponder: Isn’t it strange that we look but don’t touch? I know girls who will say that a certain guy is cute, but could not see themselves marrying him based on race. So despite the fact that he’s attractive, smart, stylish, funny, and has a good personality, some people still let race get in the way?

James and Catherine
photo courtesy of James White

I’m gonna throw something out there and you tell me what you think: maybe the reason why people don’t date outside of their race is because they are intimidated by culture. Hear me out. If someone you are dating has a strong sense of culture in terms of food, music, family life, etc. wouldn’t you be a little scared? Or at least a bit overwhelmed at first? Isn’t it just more convenient and easier to date someone you don’t have to explain your entire way of life to because, hello! They live it too. I’ve definitely thought about that. If I were to date a black guy, I wouldn’t have to explain my food, music, dad’s side of the family, etc. to him. And he wouldn’t have to explain anything to me either because I would understand the dynamics of a black family household.

How wonderfully boring would that be.

But there are severe downfalls to dating outside of your race as well. WARNING! Please do not read any further unless you truly see yourself dating outside of your own race. Reality can be hurtful. Believe me.

What if she’s not dating me because I’m not culturally strong on either end?

Story time: a girl I knew once told me about another girl she was dating. The girl she was dating was half black and half white. They didn’t stay together, and while this girl was telling me the story she said: she wasn’t even that great in bed. Probably because she wasn’t really black.

PAUSE

*Did she just say that in front of me? Does she remember who she is talking to? So just because I’m only half black that means I’m not really black at all?*

Like I said…reality hurts.

Want another one?

He can’t just be dating her because she’s a cool person. He’s got to have some sort of fetish.

Story time:

I was kinda dating this half Filipino, half white guy a year ago, and when we were hanging out once, he told me that his friends were laughing and joking with him. They said that he had JUNGLE FEVER because he was interested in me.

PAUSE

*Jungle fever? Yea, because I come from the jungle? The jungles of Seattle, maybe, but seriously? Why is it that you have to have jungle fever or yellow fever or Spanish fever or whatever if you do want to date someone outside of your race?*

This stuff can get really deep and really hurtful. It can challenge and even shake the most confident person.

So I want to know what you guys think about interracial dating. Not marriage…that’s a whole OTHER discussion. Just dating. Are there questions you wanted to ask but never thought you could? Have you dated outside of your race? Was it successful? Did the clash of races get in the way? Do you think I’m just buggin’ out and shouldn’t even worry about this? Let me know what you think.

This is a movie trailer to one of my favorite movies on this topic: "Something New"

To see how some real-life people still feel about interracial dating, check this out: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBkzaMOz87E